Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Jan 19, 2006 22:34:59 GMT
Post your jokes, but please keep the forum rules in mind. I'll start: "Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith, he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call,sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, and using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd, did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)? -Slayer
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 20, 2006 0:28:45 GMT
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
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Post by Master Sam on Jan 20, 2006 0:33:23 GMT
Don't read this around meal time. A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in Montana. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead" Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts sthingying it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too
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TPO
Adept
Posts: 81
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Post by TPO on Jan 20, 2006 0:38:57 GMT
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
;D -TPO
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Post by swrdphantom on Jan 20, 2006 0:59:29 GMT
*tries to think of some good clean jokes*
Two race horses talking to each other in the stables next to a race track. The first horse says, "I've been doing pretty good, I've won 15 out of 20 races." The second horse says, "Yea that's good, but so far I've won 18 out of 22 races." A greyhound is walking by and overhears the horses. He says, "I don't mean to brag, but I've won 22 out of 25 races." The horses have a shocked look on their faces, then the first one said to the other, "Can you believe that, a talking dog."
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Jan 20, 2006 1:03:55 GMT
*tries to think of some good clean jokes* Not easy, is it? -Slayer
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TPO
Adept
Posts: 81
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Post by TPO on Jan 20, 2006 1:50:48 GMT
Quite possibly one of the lamest jokes ever (but still kind of humorous)
Two muffins are in an oven.
One muffin looks at the other muffin and says "Man, it is getting really hot in here"
The other muffin looks at the muffin that just talked and screamed "AH! A talking muffin!"
Fine, I know that was pretty bad so here goes some more (I don't take credit for this joke, nor the other two I've just told- I got these two from laughlab.co.uk):
The first:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
The second:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
-TPO ;D
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Post by Master Sam on Jan 20, 2006 2:24:22 GMT
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Post by Lady Rae on Jan 20, 2006 5:37:13 GMT
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. Reminds me of a couple that were friends with my folks. They had lived together for 30 or 40 years and he was about to retire. Due to the way benefits worked, they decided it was finally time to get married. So they sent out the invitations stating that the wedding would be on such & such a day, unless it wasn't raining, in which case they'd both be out on the golf course
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 20, 2006 12:56:16 GMT
Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky thingy Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
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Post by VagabondAngel on Jan 20, 2006 13:05:13 GMT
Great thread Slayer, mate. Some corkers in there... some are.. well, sick :hehe: Love those virus names, PS. I do have a few jokes myself but am kinda busy at the mo. I do have my own virus though: Tony Blair virus: Systematically analyses your running processes and then passes a law against them one by one.
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Post by Gayla on Jan 20, 2006 13:11:12 GMT
A couple is getting undressed in the bedroom. The woman looks in the mirror and says:
"I'm getting old, fat and ugly. What I really need right now is for someone to pay me a compliment."
The man responds:
"Well, your eyes are still good."
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TPO
Adept
Posts: 81
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Post by TPO on Jan 20, 2006 18:18:52 GMT
A woman carrying her child gets onto a city bus. When she pays, the driver looks at her, then the baby, and says "Ma'am, that is the ugliest child I have ever seen"
The woman, shocked, looks at the driver with disgust before heading to the bacl. Once seated, the woman turns to the man sitting mext to her and says "That driver just insulted my baby!"
The man, looking concerned, replies "Go on up and give him a piece of your mind! I'll hold your monkey while you go!"
-TPO ;D
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 20, 2006 21:16:59 GMT
Tales From The Shire Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Jan 21, 2006 5:06:40 GMT
Tales From The Shire Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!" -Slayer
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