Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Jan 27, 2006 13:25:44 GMT
How to treat a woman: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV !!! -Slayer
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Post by Lady Rae on Jan 27, 2006 15:25:27 GMT
Hmmm - I thought it was bring the beer - you mean I've been doing it wrong all these years? :bolt:
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Post by Gayla on Jan 27, 2006 16:48:22 GMT
Hmmm - I thought it was bring the beer - you mean I've been doing it wrong all these years? :bolt: Maybe not, depends if you wanted a stable filled with Billy Goats?
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Post by Lady Rae on Jan 27, 2006 17:59:49 GMT
Hmmm - good point - already have plenty of those around - don't need no more
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TPO
Adept
Posts: 81
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Post by TPO on Jan 28, 2006 0:35:22 GMT
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't and a lawyer should? A: Shove his bill up his arse ;D This next one was told to me by a friend whose father is a lawyer: Q: What is the difference between a catfish and lawyer? A: One is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish And now for something completely different... Q: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic? A: Someone who stays up all night and ponders the existence of Dog -TPO
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 28, 2006 9:12:55 GMT
SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25 1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush". 2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing. 3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead. 4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section. 5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops. 6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46. 7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like. 8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden. 9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it. 10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves. 11. You start to worry about your parents' health. 12 . Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid. 14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child. 15. Pop music all starts to sound crap. 16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white. 17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture. 18. You always have enough milk in. 19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents. 20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. 21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear. 22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q. 23. You wish you had a shed. 24. You have a shed. 25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...." 26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on. 27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor. 28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.(So true!) 29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11. 30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in ... 31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"
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Post by VagabondAngel on Jan 28, 2006 13:11:46 GMT
Slayer - you've come up with some crackers so far mate. PS - Love that one... but it seems from some of the criteria I've been 25 for at least 15 years.... ;D Then again, my brother is 24 and he and his missus have just bought their first shed for their (brand) new house.... practising for next year. ;D I even have a joke of my own but I haven't time to type it all out yet. A treat for later.
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 28, 2006 13:22:29 GMT
Fecking hell! At 24, the only house we were buying was the Harry Potter lego set my then-boyfriend-now-husband bought me as a gift! I spent my disposable income on comics and cheap cosmetics and the closest thing I had to homewares was a cheap toasted sandwich maker!
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Post by Lady Rae on Jan 28, 2006 14:26:40 GMT
At 24 we were living in a duplex (one step up from an apartment)
It wasn't until I was 26 that we got our first house
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Post by VagabondAngel on Jan 28, 2006 14:54:30 GMT
Yeah, well he's loaded, the bugger. He's a SAS programmer and his Missus is a bi-lingual PA for the MD at a big multinational. Makes you sick really... but he has worked hard to get there.
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 28, 2006 16:59:33 GMT
:shrug: Well, I guess it depends on the market. In the UK, your brother would be unemployed and his missus would earn barely more than a school-leaver. With the block of flats on the corner retailing at one million pounds each (they were built in a week and overlook a dog food factory!) neither would ever be able to afford a house. The only people I know who own their own homes bought ten years ago. Put it this way - the falling-down piece of shite I live in is worth the best part of a quarter of a million!
Anyway, back to the jokes...
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"
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Post by VagabondAngel on Jan 28, 2006 17:07:14 GMT
Last I heard, PS, Derbyshire was still considered to be a part of the UK
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Post by Princess Stomper on Jan 28, 2006 22:31:55 GMT
Really? [/joke] Nah, I'm just incredulous - average IT salary is now 21-25K a year (it no longer being 1999)... according to a recent internal advert, the PA to Group Chief Executive salary is £18-22k a year. According to the local paper, the average price of a one bedroom flat in our area is £200k. Do the proverbial math... -- More jokes: A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Post by Gayla on Jan 28, 2006 22:54:39 GMT
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Post by VagabondAngel on Jan 29, 2006 15:41:21 GMT
Yeah that was a good'un... liked the lawyer jokes too TPO. ;D OK, here's one of my 3 jokes: Its a dark and stormy night (isn't it always?) and a lone monk trudges along a muddy path, his sodden habit clinging to his shivering frame. In the near distance, he spies the warm glow of light from a window... Longing for warmth and company, he makes toward the glow. As luck would have it, the light came from a small convent... yes of course a cold brother would be welcome to stay on such an awful night. The friendly sisters gave him dry clothes and warm soup and then left him eating while they went to prepare sleeping quarters. "Unfortunately, Brother, the guest room has been neglected of late and there has been a leak... the bed and all the blankets are soaked." Said the Mother Superior on returning. "I'm afraid all we can offer you is the rug and hearth of one of the Sister's rooms." "Yes yes, Reverend Mother" replied the monk happily "I would sleep on your woodpile just for the fact it is dry. I am very tired also." And so, well fed and warm, the monk settled down on the rug with a couple of blankets and began drifting off to sleep "Good night, kind Sister" he said as he closed his eyes. "Oh good Brother" came her feminine tones a moment later, "I am so cold on this terrible night. Would you mind just getting me another blanket from the chest? That would be so kind...." The monk sighed. "Kindness is kindness" he thought to himself as he fetched her a blanket and draped across her, tucking in the edges. She smiled up at him "Thank you Brother" "Very pretty Nuns are these days" He mused. He sank back down on the rug and closed his eyes again. "Oh dear... excuse me again Brother. I am so cold...." came her silky voice a few moments later. 3 more times this played out until finally the young Sister sat up. "I'm sure on such a night as this, Brother, when it is so so cold, that the Lord would not mind us, just this once, behaving as if we were man and wife." The monk smiled to himself in the dark and whispered a silent prayer. "I agree," he said. "Now get your own fecking blankets!" ;D
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