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Post by inwah on Feb 1, 2006 20:57:29 GMT
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states." After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France." ;D LOL! That made my day!
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Post by Gayla on Feb 3, 2006 16:58:27 GMT
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesrson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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Post by Sterling on Feb 3, 2006 17:06:48 GMT
LMAO! Talk about putting the entire foot in the mouth! ;D
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Post by swrdphantom on Feb 3, 2006 18:28:28 GMT
swrd - no offence to you, matey but I've heard that one in several versions over the years. Made me laugh the first time. Well you know, the most recycled material on earth are jokes. I suck at remember jokes, but let me try another one- These cowboys had been driving cattle west to California for several weeks, and along the way they got lost and ran out of food. The hadn't seen any sign of civilization until one day, they came to a large hill and next to it was a Swede sitting under a lone tree. The foreman rode his horse up to him, then got off and told him how they were lost and wanted to know if there was anyone else on the other side of the hill. The Swede said, "You don' wan' to go over there, on the other side is a bacon tree." The foreman was puzzled. "A bacon tree?" "Ya, you don' wan' to go over that hill here." The foreman got back on his horse and rode back to the others. The number two guy said, "What'd he have to say?" The foreman replied, "He said that there's a bacon tree on the other side of that hill there, I think he's crazy." "So what do we do?" The foreman shrugged and said, "Let's move out and see what's on the other side." After they got over the hill, they were attacked by indians who killed everyone except for the foreman who got away and crawled back over the hill. He found the Swede and said, "There were indians on the other side just waiting for us. They wiped everyone out, why didn't you warn us?" The Swede pulled out a book and looked at it. "Oh, I'm sorry. Is not a bacon tree, it was a hambush."
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Gren
Adept
I seem to be lost...
Posts: 79
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Post by Gren on Feb 4, 2006 8:21:10 GMT
Here's my favorite stupid joke. It's also the only joke I have stored in my brain. It's not a new joke, and so I offer up my apologies to those of you who have heard it. Descartes goes into his neighborhood bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have? The usual?" Descartes says, "I think not...." ...and vanishes. If I remember I will get to some good "Engrish" websites and gather some of the best of the wacky uses to which English has been put in Japan, and share here. I've been enjoying pretty much everything that's been posted, even if I do miss out on some of the Brit references.
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 5, 2006 1:01:38 GMT
The next big thing - 's-commerce' "They're calling it shops or 's-commerce' and it's being rolled out in cities and towns nationwide.
"It's a real revelation," according to Malcolm Fosbury, an engineer from Hillingdon. "You just walk into one of these shops and they have all sorts of things for sale."
Fosbury was particularly impressed by a clothes shop he discovered while browsing in central London. "Shops seem to be the ideal medium for transactions of this type. I can actually try out a jacket and see if it fits me. Then I can visualize the way I would look if I was wearing the clothing." This is possible using a high definition 2D viewing system, or "mirror" as it has become known.
Shops, which are frequently aggregated into shopping portals or "high streets", are becoming increasingly popular with the cash-rich time-poor generation of new consumers. Often located in densely populated areas people can find them extremely convenient.
And Malcolm is not alone in being impressed by shops. "Some days I just don't have the time to download huge Flash animations of rotating trainers and then wait five days for them to be delivered in the hope that they will actually fit," says Sandra Bailey, a systems analyst from Chelsea.
"This way I can actually complete the transaction in real time and walk away with the goods."
Being able see whether or not shoes and clothing fit has been a real bonus for Bailey, "I used to spend my evenings boxing up gear to return. Sometimes the clothes didn't fit, sometimes they just sent the wrong stuff." Shops have a compelling commercial story to tell too, according to Gartner Group retail analyst Carl Baker. "There are massive efficiencies in the supply chain. By concentrating distribution to a series of high volume outlets in urban centres-typically close to where people live and work-businesses can make dramatic savings in fulfilment costs. Just compare this with the wasteful practise of delivering items piecemeal to people's homes." Furthermore, allowing consumers to receive goods when they actually want them could mean an end to the frustration of returning home to find a despatch notice telling you that your goods are waiting in a delivery depot the other side of town.
But it's not just the convenience and timesaving that appeals to Fosbury,
"Visiting a shop is real relief for me. I mean as it is I spend all day in front of a f**king computer."
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Feb 8, 2006 1:19:09 GMT
Blonde's year in reiew. **********************************************
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
-Slayer :swear:
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Post by Gayla on Feb 8, 2006 8:20:18 GMT
Good one Slayer!
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Post by VagabondAngel on Feb 8, 2006 8:43:14 GMT
Hahhaaa... loved both of those... the shopping one and the blonde one... This is the best thread in any forum. Good job, Slayer my friend.
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 8, 2006 19:06:10 GMT
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."
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Post by Gayla on Feb 8, 2006 19:21:39 GMT
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Feb 9, 2006 22:58:33 GMT
Hahhaaa... loved both of those... the shopping one and the blonde one... This is the best thread in any forum. Good job, Slayer my friend. Thank ye kind sir, I thought a thread like this might be a rather well needed one. Aparantly, I was right. -Slayer
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 10, 2006 21:00:14 GMT
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Post by Wildman on Feb 13, 2006 15:33:24 GMT
A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a parot on his shoulder, and stearing wheel hanging from his groin. The bartender says to him, "Are you aware theres a stearing wheel hanging off you?" And the pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
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Post by Master Sam on Feb 14, 2006 10:09:38 GMT
An intelligent blonde, the yeti and Santa Claus are walking down the street. They all spot a $100 note. Who gets it?
Santa Claus of cause! The other two are mythical creatures
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