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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 14, 2006 23:48:07 GMT
Blonde - Elmo Factory Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
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Post by Wildman on Feb 18, 2006 21:58:57 GMT
This is a bit out of season, but still funny as hell. BigBird
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Feb 19, 2006 14:51:21 GMT
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new 500 SL MBZ." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,"Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . . silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" -Slayer
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TPO
Adept
Posts: 81
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Post by TPO on Feb 19, 2006 16:02:58 GMT
Good one, Slayer! -TPO
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Post by inwah on Feb 21, 2006 21:35:59 GMT
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Post by Yacoby on Feb 22, 2006 21:46:51 GMT
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 23, 2006 21:25:36 GMT
I second that emoticon! A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants. Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?" The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."
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Slayer
Ordinator
Which way did he go, George?
Posts: 448
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Post by Slayer on Feb 23, 2006 21:53:23 GMT
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Post by Lady Rae on Feb 24, 2006 10:13:48 GMT
Now we just have to wait for our youngest friends to ask - "Hey, what's a record?"
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 24, 2006 17:28:49 GMT
Just don't! I ever tell you my concert story? I was at a concert and was in the ladies' toilets when I overheard to girls in their early teens talking. Outside I could hear The Eurythmics' original Sweet Dreams playing over the tannoy. One teen goth turns to the other and says, "Did you hear that? Some pregnant dog has covered Marilyn Manson!"
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Post by Gayla on Feb 24, 2006 17:46:34 GMT
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Post by Princess Stomper on Feb 26, 2006 10:28:41 GMT
Aliens Attack President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
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Post by Yacoby on Feb 26, 2006 12:27:52 GMT
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Post by Princess Stomper on Mar 1, 2006 22:29:47 GMT
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .
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Post by Wildman on Mar 3, 2006 4:21:12 GMT
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